


Beautiful Christmas

by AlyssAlenko



Series: Stolen Moments for Shoker [15]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Beefcakes in Tights, Birthday Present, Birthday Smut, Candy, Candy Canes, Cheer, Christmas, Christmas Decorations, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Presents, Christmas Smut, Cunnilingus, Cute, Cute Kids, Cutesy, Doggy Style, Elves, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Mush, Fluff and Smut, Fluff without Plot, Food Kink, Food Porn, Food Sex, Holiday Cheer, Holidays, Innuendo, Kissing, Language, Language Kink, Love, Naughty List, Nice List, Oral Sex, Orphanage, Orphans, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn, Porn with Feelings, Presents, Real Men Wear Tights, Santa Costume, Santa's Elves, Sex, Sexual Content, Shameless Smut, Smut, Spreading Christmas Cheer, Teasing, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Trust, Vaginal Fingering, decorations, from behind, hat stealing, inappropriate use of a candy cane, santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-18 21:50:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13109199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlyssAlenko/pseuds/AlyssAlenko
Summary: Shepard has volunteered the Normandy crew to help her spread some Christmas Cheer and forces a certain member of the crew to be Santa, despite his protests, as well as putting two of her favorite beefcakes in tights while being his elves--No one dares to tell her no, because she's doing it to help the orphans and they're not heartless...Written as a belated birthday fic, and will probably have a second Chapter later, due to my betajoufancyhuhsaying it needed smut. HAPPY BIRTHDAY luastardust!





	1. I Saw Shepard Kissing Santa Claus

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LittleMissWrath](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMissWrath/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art by the Amazing Xandrasketches on Tumblr: https://xandrassketchbook.tumblr.com/tagged/commissioninfo

Brightly colored lights twinkled all over the ship, glistening against the fake, glittery snow strewn across the floor and the tinsel on the chairs. Shepard stepped back to admire her handiwork, wiping her hands on her dress to rid them of the excess glitter. She’d gotten up early to deck the Normandy out in Christmas decorations, for the coming holiday, and for festivities later; she wasn’t disappointed by how it turned out. There was a tree set up in the cargo bay, a few nativity scenes laid out on some consoles, Santa figurines on others, and poinsettias and wreaths lining the walls; the Normandy was a Winter Wonderland. She startled when two arms wrapped around her waist, hauling her backwards into a familiar chest. His nose pushed her blonde ponytail aside, where it hung out the back of his baseball cap, so he could have access to her neck, kissing her teasingly as she smiled. She’d expected him to sleep longer with the way she’d worn him out the night before. Not that she was complaining about his affections.

“So that’s where my hat went.” Joker chuckled.

Abigail spun around, remaining firmly ensconced in his arms as she smiled at the Santa hat she’d left in its place, tugging gently on the white puffball at the end.

“I’m pretty sure I wear it better.”

There was no denying that.

“You look good in anything...though I think I prefer you wearing nothing at all.” He teased, winking at her as he leaned in close for a kiss, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. “Except maybe a couple violet butterfly scarves around your wrists and ankles.”

She laughed, remembering a very inappropriate use of those scarves the night before. Her gaze turned to his outfit, brow creasing as she realized he wasn’t wearing the rest of it—did he even read the note she’d left for him? He stifled a laugh, knowing exactly what had put the frown on her beautiful face: his lack of the Santa suit she’d left folded up on the end of the bed. He loved Christmas as much as the next person, but that was slightly over the top...a level he didn’t want to reach, no matter how much he wanted to make her happy. She pointed to a sprig of mistletoe over his head and leaned forward pressing herself against him, making him sigh against her lips. Her body melted against his, angling her head to deepen the kiss, his mouth opening against hers, tongues intertwining.

“You know we don’t need mistletoe to kiss right?” He teased.

“I find your lack of cheer disturbing.” She giggled between kisses. “You know if you humor me and put on the suit, who knows what I’ll do for you later.”

Joker rolled his eyes. “Is this some newfound kink I’m just learning about; you having a thing for Santa Claus?”

“You don’t have to make it weird. I thought you were perfect for it with your Vrolik’s Syndrome, considering the job involves sitting in your chair, listening to what the kids want, and giving them the present specifically chosen for them. I’ve done all the legwork: names, gifts, decorations, feast and candy for all species ready to go; all I need is Santa.”

He really hadn’t read her note. She’d volunteered the Normandy Crew to help with the holiday festivities at the orphanage, make the season a little brighter for the kids there with presents, food, riding on a spaceship, and visiting with Santa. Kasumi had asked her to do it, and she just wished there was more she could do...plus she’d roped James and Kaidan into being elves, complete with tights. That was something she’d been looking forward to, if she was being honest with herself. Joker sighed. Her ‘ _do it for the kids_ ’ attitude was catching, and taking her hand, he led her up to the loft, so she could help him change into the Santa suit. When he’d finally decked himself out in the red and black garb with white fur trim, her eyes roamed up and down his body as she shook her head.

“I’ve never been more turned off…” She sighed dismally. “I should’ve put you in tights like Kaidan and James…”

He rolled his eyes, as he grabbed a pillow off the bed, pushing the sides of his red coat open to shove it part way down his pants, his bare chest making her bite her lip.

“Is this really for the kids, or for you?” Joker grumbled, closing the jacket over the pillow and buckling the belt over it.

She shrugged. She’d allowed herself a little indulgence, and since having him standing for hours was out of the question, Santa had been the fall back. The Santa hat fell to the floor as Joker sat on the edge of their bed to put on his boots. Abigail stretched the elastic of the snow-white beard around his head and over his ears, before bending to retrieve the hat and use it to hide the string. She took a step back to admire her handiwork. If she hadn’t known exactly what was underneath all that velvet and fur, she would’ve been lost in the illusion, the magic...and if she almost believed it, the kids definitely would. Joker reached out and grabbed her waist, pulling her down onto his lap, his fake beard tickling her as his lips found her neck.

“Abigail, have you been good this year?” Joker pitched his voice an octave lower, fully embracing his character even as he nuzzled her earlobe with his nose.

“I’m afraid not—I’ve been positively naughty…” She whispered seductively, knowing Joker of all people would appreciate the joke—though he’d like it more later when he read over the Naughty and Nice Lists.

She winked at him, before pushing herself off his lap, holding out a hand to help him up and maneuver around the pillow strapped to his waist. They’d have plenty of time for everything later, but for the moment, she needed him to be in his chair before the children got there. The moment he sat down in the cockpit, swinging his chair around and looking out across the CIC, the door to the rest of the ship held open. Kaidan and James followed close behind, each of them holding a rolled-up piece of parchment—she’d gone all out for the illusion of authenticity. Kaidan’s parchment was far larger than the one James carried, their tights making Abigail’s eyes light up, Joker grinding his teeth in jealousy. He wrapped his arm possessively around her waist as she stood next to his chair, decorated like a throne, while the two other men stood on either side of the door to the rest of the ship.

“Abs, you are _mine_...don’t forget that.” Joker hissed, his voice barely audible, as EDI started playing Christmas carols through the ship’s intercom.

“Jealousy doesn't become you, Santa.” She teased, kissing his nose before disentangling herself from his embrace.

The rest of the crew was helping with lunch in the mess—the orphanage Caretaker, Delia Lowles, had asked if they could meet _the_ Commander Shepard and do presents with Santa first, the kids looking forward to those the most. Tali showed up with the basket of candies, gasping audibly at the transformation it had taken Shepard hours to perfect. The hiss of the decontamination sequence sounded; several children’s voices could be heard, excitedly chattering away. Abigail made her way to the door to the ship, smoothing down her navy-blue dress trimmed in gold, that matched Joker’s SR2 hat she didn’t want to remove, her long blonde ponytail hanging out the back as she readjusted the garment on her head. It was now or never.

The kids squealed when they saw Commander Shepard standing there to greet them.

“Commander, I’m Delia. Thank you so much for doing this—with the war and everything, it’ll really make their year.” The woman shook her hand vigorously.

“I wish there was more I could do. I’m glad Kasumi brought it to my attention...speaking of—decloak. You know you’re not getting past me without a hello.” Abigail laughed.

The air shimmered, Kasumi materializing at her elbow, giggling to herself, as they hugged. “How’d you know?”

“Puhlease. Like you’d miss this.” Abigail turned her attention to the kids, ushering them into the ship. “I have a lot planned for you, I hope you enjoy yourselves.”

A little girl no more than seven dressed in makeshift BDUs with her hair in pigtails made her way to the front of the crowd of children, clutching a blonde barbie to her chest. She was missing one of her front teeth and gently tugged on the hem of her shirt. Could she be more adorable?

Abigail knelt down to eye level. “And what’s your name?”

“Francine...I want to be just like you when I grow up! And I like your hat.”

“I’ll let you in on a secret: it’s my pilot’s hat, I’m borrowing it. It’s very nice to meet you Francine, I love your outfit—and your barbie doll.”

She held out the doll bouncing on the balls of her feet. “It’s you!”

Abigail’s eyes went wide with excitement. “No way! I’m a barbie? I used to play with them all the time, wishing they would make one of me. This is a dream come true!”

Giggling happily, she pointed the kids towards the cockpit, several of them gasping and running for the bridge. James lined them up down the corridor as Kaidan approached Joker, unfurling the long parchment—the Nice List—for him; James much smaller parchment was the Naughty List. He had to check it twice after all. Kasumi smirked, seeing the two beefcakes in tights, and made her way over there with Shepard to better appreciate the view and catch up with Tali. A booming ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ reverberated around the small space as Joker fully assumed his role. He made a whole show of finishing making “his” list and then checking it twice, for the kids’ benefit, several of them collapsing into fits of giggles and having the time of their lives. The list had been complete for days, thanks to her planning ahead. Shepard had put every child on the Nice List, and had done recon ahead of time to find exactly what each kid wanted, as well as putting her whole crew on the list too, but her name wasn’t on it. For Joker’s benefit, she’d made him a Naughty List too, watching his reaction as he read it over. His eyes twinkled mischievously when he saw it, loving the private joke between them; she got him and his sense of humor so well.

“You know, your Santa Claus—that’s his name I hope—looks a lot like Joker.” Tali whispered, holding the basket of candy while standing next to Shepard and Kasumi at the side of the cockpit.

“That’s because he is Joker.” Abigail giggled.

“How’d you swing that?”

“Several indecent promises for later. But he’s good with the kids, amazing actually, so I think it was the right decision.”

She swore she could feel her ovaries exploding as she watched him with them, wondering if the two of them would ever have kids of their own...maybe they’d adopt. Kasumi elbowed her in the ribs, like she knew without a doubt what she was thinking about while her brain checked out of reality. When everyone had the present specifically chosen for each of them, Kaidan, James, Kasumi and Tali guided them towards the lift at the far end of the CIC. Joker hauled Abigail onto his lap as the coast cleared and kissed her passionately, neither noticing that they’d been seen by little Francine who’d been lagging behind.

“Miss Delia, I saw Shepard kissing Santa Claus!” Francine cried, giggling like she’d discovered some secret as she ran up to their caretaker, tugging on the hem of the woman’s shirt while she ushered the kids into the lift at the far end of the CIC to head to the mess for lunch.

“See what you did, Jeff?”

“I’m about to do a whole lot more—Santa’s got almost two hours with which to punish the one person on the Naughty List.” Joker smirked at her, closing the door to the rest of the ship.

“I thought you’d like that.”

“You really get me.”

“I know.”


	2. Naughty List

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker "punishing" Abigail for being the only name on the naughty list, takes a little longer than they both thought, and his experimentation brings out a side to her he's never seen before...and he'd been sure he'd seen them all in one way or another. With EDI running interference, they manage to scrape out a little more time for themselves.
> 
> This chapter is filled with shameless smut, and is the reason the rating has changed to explicit. Also...beware, for there is the inappropriate use of a candy cane. Happy Birthday again, Luastardust, and sorry this took so long...

“I have one condition; fake beard, pants, and pillow have to go.” Abigail whispered against his lips.

“That sounds suspiciously like three conditions rolled into one, for someone who _made_ me dress like this.”

“It was—”

“For the kids, I know.” Joker stroked his thumb across her cheek. “Don’t get me wrong, I actually had fun; the kids were really sweet, but I saw the way you looked at me while I was playing Santa.”

Abigail blushed and looked away, unsure how to tell him she’d been imagining him with a kid of their own sitting on his knee. Instead, she unbuckled the belt cinched around the middle of the pillow, her fingers moving to the buttons down his red jacket, letting it fall open as she worked her way downwards, one button at a time. She tossed the pillow away, running her hands up the muscles of his stomach and chest. Joker pulled off his hat and fake beard, completely shattering the illusion and the magic she’d set up, but Abigail was fine with that—her three conditions still stood...she’d already been caught kissing Santa, anything more was just asking for trouble. His breath fanned her face when she bent to kiss him lovingly, his hands disappearing up her skirt, fingers hooking around the waistband of her underwear and tugging them down to her knees, letting them fall the rest of the way to pool around her ankles.

She grinned and stepped out of them. Her arms reached around her back, holding the bottom of the zipper as she pulled the tab down, Joker kicking his pants onto the floor. They didn’t have as much time as she'd like, but at least they were both ready to make the most of the moments they did have. As she moved to straddle him in his chair like she usually did, Joker shook his head twice, motioning with his finger for her to turn around. She cocked her head to the side, even though she didn’t mind the request; sometimes he just wanted to experiment. Shrugging, she pulled her long blonde hair over her right shoulder, and turned, easing herself onto his lap to be met with kisses on the back of her neck, his beard tickling her skin and making her giggle.

“Jeff, what are you planning?”

He just grinned against her neck, fingers sweeping down her body, her curves molding to his hand as he cupped one naked breast and massaged it slowly. His other hand traipsed down her chest, grazing her stomach and disappearing between her thighs at the same moment his lips clamped down on her skin where her neck met her shoulder. She gasped. Joker drew a finger through her dripping folds, Abigail writhing in pleasure and panting quietly, her skin prickling with energy. Blue flames danced across her body as her biotics flared. He looked rather pleased with himself, dipping two fingers inside her as his thumb sought her clit, teasing her mercilessly.  
  
He circled the swollen bud roughly, rubbing it fast and hard, her breathing growing ragged. His fingers caressed her with long, languid strokes, savoring the feel of her clamping around him as he pushed his fingers deeper inside her warm, wet center. When he spread his fingers, opening her to him more, she held her breath for a moment, lost in the sensations he was giving her. She rolled her pelvis against his palm, shaking with pent-up need and desire. His mouth left her pulse point, grinning at the deep red hickey he’d left there, taking his time, kissing her jaw under her earlobe as two of his fingers dipped inside her. One soft, gentle hand widened her thighs, opening her to him, feeling her soften beneath him, a shiver skittering across her body.

He knew exactly what to do, how to touch her just right, to make her beg for his touch and for her release.

Joker was panting heavily, just as aroused as she was. Plunging as deep inside as he could, he curled his fingers against her inner wall, dragging his thumb up to her clit, pressing on it gently. He could tell by the way her toes curled and her back arched that she was close to orgasm. A husky laugh rumbled up from his chest. She growled when he paused, teetering at the edge of ecstasy, relief held just out of her reach, and she slumped back against his chest.

“Shepard, we will return in one hour.” EDI’s voice rang out through the cockpit.

Abigail turned pink from head to toe as Joker cackled with laughter; how did she _always_ forget about EDI?

“Thank you, EDI.” She turned her head to glare at her lover. “Why do you insist on having sex in your chair, when there’s an AI in the ship who sees everything that happens here?”

He shrugged, drawing a finger down her bare shoulder. “I like my chair...and most days I can make you forget about her presence...do you have any candy canes left?”

Abigail raised an eyebrow, suspiciously. “I have a couple, why?”

“You’ll see.” He winked.

Joker reached over into the basket Tali had left behind, grabbing a candy cane by the curve at the end and unwrapping it. He brought the candy to his mouth, sliding the length of it through his lips from one end to the other, grinning at her. She bit her lower lip, having some inkling what he was planning to do with the peppermint stick, as she sat naked on his lap, her back against his chest. He lowered the stick of candy to the apex of her thighs, rolling the peppermint candy through her folds, sliding it up and down through the wetness pooled there in lieu of his finger. Her head fell onto his shoulder with a moan, eyes closed and chest heaving.

“Jesus, Jeff…only you would come up with such an inappropriate use of a candy cane.” She panted.

He sucked her earlobe between his lips, beard rubbing against the back of her neck. “I’ve only just begun.”

“You’re insane. You know that, right?”

“It’s why you love me.”

Everything about this was wrong, but at this point she didn’t want to be right. The steady rhythm of the candy cane rubbing up and down against her clit halted, a small growl of indignation escaping her lips. He spun the peppermint stick in his grip, letting the tip of it sink lower until it was poised at her entrance. If his arm hadn’t been holding her waist tightly so she couldn’t move, her hips would have shot a foot in the air, sending her flying off his lap when he eased the candy cane inside her to the crook. She squirmed in surprise. Joker eased it back out slowly, plunging it back inside her and drawing a broken sigh of pleasure out of her, watching as it went from white with red stripes to a pink and sticky. Her back arched pressing her shoulder blades against his chest as her arm wrapped around the headrest of his chair. Gentle fingers caught her chin, turning her head to catch her lips in a hungry kiss.

“Quit playing around, and fuck me properly.” She whispered against his lips.

“I don’t believe I’ve ever heard you swear in the throes of passion before...the occasional ‘shit’, but never anything like that.” He rasped. “I love it. That candy cane must’ve broken all kinds of barriers.”

“I hate you.”

“Well, that’s a bold-faced lie, if I ever heard one; you’ve said you loved me north of ten times, just today. Hey...remember when I said I wanted you bent over a console on the bridge? I think now’s the time to fulfill my wish, in the spirit of Christmas and all that jazz.”

“Oh, is that why you haven’t taken off the Santa jacket yet? You’re in the Christmas spirit?”

The glow from the navigational console in front of them fizzled as he shrugged, chuckling to himself, turning it off and giving her a little space to climb off his lap. Abigail paused. It was the first time she’d ever seen the bridge consoles turned off, and if there hadn’t been twinkling Christmas lights all over the place she wondered how dark it would’ve gotten. As she bent over the console, elbows braced against the terminal, she glanced over her shoulder at him, rolling her eyes at him grinning like it was Christmas...it actually almost was. He made no move to stand, and instantly she knew what he had in mind; Joker rubbed his beard against the back of her thigh.

EDI was going to have so many questions and she wasn’t sure she was ready to field them.

Warm lips went directly to her clit, the jolt of pleasure surprising, but not unwelcome. His tongue darted out and licked her gently, her biotics licking across her skin once more as she bit her lower lip, squirming under his attentions. He moved his hands wrapping them around her hips, pulling her closer and sucking hard and making the two of them moan in unison. His fingers dug into her skin, red marks blooming where he touched, making her swear under her breath.

“I’m sorry miss Naughty List—I didn’t quite catch that.” He whispered, breath hot and moist against her folds. “You taste minty.”

“Fuck, Jeff, whose fault it that?” She breathed.  
  
“I take full credit and responsibility.” He chuckled. “God, you swearing at me turns me on more than I ever thought possible; keep going.”

The hitch in her breath was audible as the tip of his tongue licked her folds before plunging as deep inside as he could. He hadn’t even been inside her yet, and their window of opportunity was drawing to a close. Closing his lips over her clit, he pushed two fingers inside her. Abigail rocked backwards against his mouth, his tongue driving into her again, fingers joining his wicked and talented mouth and spreading her folds, opening her wider, driving her insane. Heading south, his tongue sought her clit, teasing the swollen bud roughly before he circled it fast and hard. When he took her clit in between his lips and tugged gently, she came apart at the seams.

Joker finally stood, slowly and carefully before using his knees to open her legs wider and making her breath catch in her throat. He bent forward and traced the outer shell of her ear with the tip of his tongue, chest smothering her back, the two of them flushed and damp. Her mouth fell open on a moan, as he teased her slick folds with the head of his erection; she was never going to have enough of him. Shepard barely had time to think, before he grasped her hips, fit himself against her, paused for what felt like an eternity, and pushed into her, slowly.

One of his hands slid over the flesh of her hip and around to her front teasing her clit while the other arm wrapped around her waist holding her still as he thrust forward. Once. Twice. He felt bigger this way. She loved the feeling of his warm, slightly muscled thighs behind her own, his fingers teasing her clit in a slow circle as he sucked her earlobe between his lips, every inch of his chest pressed against her back. The fur trim of the Santa coat he still wore tickled. He stretched and filled her, his touches frantic, the need hitting him like a tidal wave after teasing her relentlessly for so long. Teeth grazed gently across the top of her spine as he thrust forward again, a shiver racking her body.  
  
“Fuck me, Jeff…fuck me so hard and fast I see stars.” Abigail panted.

“Shit, Abs…that mouth is going to get you in trouble.” His voice was hoarse—sometimes she just couldn’t handle not giving orders. 

“Promises, promises.” She teased.  
  
He slammed into her, his hips moving in a heady, frantic rhythm as she struggled to keep herself upright, her arms and legs starting to feel like jelly; how he managed was beyond her. She twitched, her skin jumping and heating up at his lightest touch. He bent and interlaced his fingers with hers, the tenderness of the gesture tugging at her heartstrings, as he rocked his erection against the roll of her hips. The speed of his thrusts was slowly increasing, as the tension inside him climbed higher. He wasn’t going to last much longer, not only was he close to climax, he was starting to feel it in his shins, and he couldn’t remain standing; his Vrolik’s Syndrome the worst part, when he was focused on his lover.

His mouth clamped down on her neck as he tensed, a shudder running through him as his orgasm claimed him. Her body arched and spasmed, shaking as if a bolt of electricity coursed through her as her own orgasm hit her, her cry lost somewhere in his almost feral roar of completion. Joker rocked his hips, savoring the feel of her lingering quivers around his shaft. Breathing heavily, he pulled out of her, before collapsing back into his chair, taking her with him, and kissing her passionately.

“Shepard, I will take the kids down to the cargo hold to see the tree, so you and Jeff have time to compose yourselves.” EDI’s voice made them jump.

Abigail buried her face in Joker’s neck, her blush evident, her skin hot.

“Thanks EDI.” Joker replied, fingers traipsing down Abigail’s sides, before he grabbed the candy cane, sticky from her arousal and put it in his mouth, the sight making her blush even harder. 

“Have I mentioned how much I hate having sex in your chair?”

“Don’t ruin the moment with your lies.” He admonished, pulling the candy out of his mouth and kissing her again; the taste of peppermint and herself on his lips making her moan in approval.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Songs I was inspired by:
> 
> Beautiful Christmas  
> Naughty List  
> I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus  
> Santa Looks Alot Like Daddy  
> Winter Wonderland


End file.
